Gentle Parenting Is for Gentle Kids. Mine Missed That Memo.
How to handle kids’ behavior around family, boundaries, and unsolicited parenting advice
As we head into seasons where we spend more time with family and friends, many parents find themselves facing the same challenge: kids melting down in public and adults chiming in with opinions.
Before the comments start, here’s a bit of parenting perspective I’ve gained along the way. Not as an expert. Just as a parent figuring it out in real time, like everyone else.
When family comments on your child’s behavior
You know the moment.
You walk into a room and your child is already struggling. Maybe they’re tired. Maybe they’re overstimulated. Maybe they’re just being three.
And then someone comments.
“In my day, we…”
In my day we listened.
In my day kids knew better.
In my day a spanking fixed that real quick.
Sometimes it turns into a highlight reel of old-school discipline:
soap in the mouth
standing in the corner
a pop on the hand
a paddle across the butt
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times.
Why old parenting advice still shows up
Here’s the honest part. Before I had kids, I believed some of it. I thought consequences had to hurt to work. I thought fear created respect.
I probably experienced a few of those punishments myself. Most of the time, the threat alone was enough.
Then I had kids.
And once the shoe was on the other foot, everything changed.
Gentle parenting vs real life parenting
Like a lot of parents, we started with gentle parenting.
And I’ll say this with love and a little humor: gentle parenting works great for gentle kids.
I don’t have one of those.
So we swung the pendulum the other way. Firmer boundaries. Less talking. FAFO. And while that sometimes stopped the behavior, it never really taught anything beyond “don’t get caught.”
What helped most was realizing something freeing:
There is no one-size-fits-all parenting handbook.
No amount of books, podcasts, reels, or well-intended advice can fully prepare you for raising real kids in real life.
Parenting is building the plane while you’re flying it.
Why modern parenting feels harder than “back then”
No parent is perfect. Despite what your superhuman grandmother says about how her kids walked, talked, and potty trained practically out of the womb.
There’s actually a term for this phenomenon: rosy retrospection. It’s when we remember the past as easier than it really was.
There’s also a major difference people overlook.
Back then, one parent was often home full-time. That constant correction and follow-through was built into the day. Today, in most families, both parents work. That’s the norm, not the exception.
The structure changed. The expectations didn’t.
A parenting mindset that actually helped
One influence that helped reframe everything came from Dr. Becky Kennedy, creator of the Good Inside app.
One line stuck with me:
Your kids are not giving you a hard time.
They are having a hard time.
That changed how I see behavior. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this?” I started asking, “What is my child struggling with right now?”
But empathy alone wasn’t enough.
Why toddlers need action, not lectures
Another approach I’ve found useful comes from Lisa Bunnage, whose work emphasizes that toddlers live in actions, not words.
That matched what I was seeing at home.
I can explain calmly. I can reason. My toddler might nod along… and then immediately repeat the behavior.
Not because he doesn’t understand.
Because understanding alone doesn’t stop behavior.
What discipline looks like in our house
Here’s a real example.
When toys get thrown, the toy gets put away. Not dramatically. Not thrown in the trash. No lecture.
It goes just out of reach, where my child can still see it.
That does two things:
It connects the consequence directly to the action
It removes the toy without turning it into a power struggle
Then comes the yelling, crying, and flopping.
And this is the hardest part.
I don’t talk. I don’t explain. I don’t say “I told you so.” I stay nearby for safety, but I don’t engage.
The feelings get to happen.
The consequence already did.
When it’s over, we move on like nothing happened.
Not because it didn’t matter.
But because it’s done.
The toy going away was the consequence. There is no need to rub it in. No “next time it goes in the trash.” No replaying the moment for the next hour.
And honestly, that part took me the longest to learn. I am very good at post-game commentary.
Why connection matters more than perfection
The less I turn discipline into a drawn-out event, the faster we get back to connection. And connection is where real learning happens.
That doesn’t mean I stay calm all the time. There are still slammed doors. Empty threats. Moments I immediately regret.
That doesn’t mean I’m failing.
It means I’m human.
Parenting around family and other adults
So when family, friends, neighbors, or strangers comment on your child’s behavior, remember this:
Your job is not to perform parenting for an audience or pretend you have a perfectly programmed parenting robot at home.
Your job is not to raise a child who never struggles in public.
Your job is to lead your child through hard moments.
You’re allowed to hold boundaries with other adults.
You’re allowed to say, “We’ve got this.”
You’re allowed to choose connection over appearances.
You’re not broken.
Your child isn’t broken.
You’re just building the plane midair like the rest of us.
Want more real-life parenting support?
If this resonated, I share more reflections on parenting, boundaries, and raising kids with big feelings at Little Lessons Media.
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No perfection required.
