When Your Child Says “I Hate You”: Well, That Hurt

By Paul Thomas | October 13, 2026

“I hate you.”

Three little words. Definitely not the three we were hoping for.

Michael and I have officially reached this point with Matteo. Another parenting milestone, apparently. Somehow, this one didn’t make it into the baby book.

If you’ve heard your child say “I hate you,” you probably understand how quickly those words can get under your skin. You know they’re upset. You know they’re not getting what they want. You know you probably shouldn’t take it personally.

And yet, there you are. Taking it a little personally.

Does He Even Know What That Means?

Deep down, we don’t think Matteo understands the full meaning of what he’s saying. Our guess is that he knows those words are negative, knows they get a reaction, and knows he’s unhappy with us at that particular moment.

At least, that’s what we’re telling ourselves.

We can’t read his mind. But we suspect what he’s trying to communicate is closer to, “I really don’t like what you’re telling me right now, and I want you to know about it.”

Message received, buddy.

That doesn’t make the words feel great. It does give us something to think about before we turn one angry sentence into a review of our entire parenting career.

And Antonio Is Taking Notes

Of course, Matteo isn’t our only audience. Antonio is watching, too, and he absorbs nearly everything his brother does like a sponge.

What Matteo says, Antonio tries. What Matteo does, Antonio copies. And when something gets a reaction out of Michael or me? You can practically see Antonio filing that information away for later.

We see it all the time. It’s as if he’s thinking, “Well, if he can do it, so can I.”

We can’t actually know what’s going through his mind, but the timing is pretty convincing.

So while we’re figuring out how to respond to Matteo, his little brother is paying close attention to the whole exchange. Apparently, we’re providing a live demonstration, and nobody told us we’d be teaching a class.

It’s funny when he copies something adorable. A little less funny when he picks up the exact thing we’re trying to discourage.

And it gives us another reason to think about our reaction. We’re responding to one child while the other is watching to see what happens next.

It Can’t All Be Sunshine and Roses

We love our kids. We love being their dads.

We also don’t love every single moment of parenting. I’m comfortable saying that out loud.

Some moments are sweet. Some are funny. Some make you wonder how someone so small can have such strong opinions about absolutely everything.

It can’t all be sunshine and roses. That isn’t realistic. And any “Super Mom” or “Super Dad” who tells you otherwise is lying to you.

If they aren’t, tell them to call us. We have questions.

We see plenty of smiling family pictures. We hear about the adorable things children say. We don’t always hear about the moment a parent says no and suddenly becomes the least popular person in the house, with a younger sibling standing by to see how it plays out.

Those moments belong in the conversation, too.

Knowing Better Doesn’t Mean It Doesn’t Hurt

We can understand that Matteo is upset and still feel hurt by what he says.

Both things can be true.

That’s one of the harder parts of parenting. We’re trying to help our kids handle being upset while managing our own reactions. Preferably without raising our voices, taking it personally, or saying something we’ll wish we could take back.

No pressure.

Michael and I are parenting together, but that doesn’t mean either of us has a perfect response ready for every situation. We’re both learning how to handle these moments and how to support each other through them.

We don’t want the boys to feel responsible for keeping us happy. But we do want them to learn that words affect people, including the people who love them.

That’s a conversation worth having. We’re probably not going to have a productive conversation while Matteo is furious and we’re trying not to take it personally.

What We Want to Say When Our Child Says “I Hate You”

We wish we had a perfect response that came naturally every time. We don’t.

But the response we want to work toward is simple:

“You’re really mad at me. You can be mad, and I still love you. You can say, ‘I’m angry’ or ‘I don’t like that.’ The answer is still no.”

Will that magically fix the moment? We have no idea. We’re certainly not expecting applause.

What we like about it is that either of us can acknowledge his anger, give him different words, and keep the boundary in place.

And with Antonio watching, we’d like him to see that getting a reaction doesn’t mean getting your way.

Later, when things are calmer, there’s room to talk about what happened. What was Matteo upset about? What could he say next time? And if we handled our part badly, what do we need to own?

The boys are learning from us and from each other. We’re learning as we go.

The Little Lesson Is for Us, Too

Some of the best lessons happen in the everyday moments we share with our kids. That belief is a big part of Little Lessons Media, and our life together as a family is where those stories begin.

We just wish those lessons occasionally arrived at a more convenient time. With nicer wording.

This one is reminding us to pause before reacting. To let Matteo be mad without feeling like we need to change our answer. To remember that Antonio is watching, even when we think we’re only dealing with his brother.

And to remember that one difficult moment doesn’t erase all the love in our family.

We want both boys to learn better ways to tell us how they feel. We also want them to know that being angry with either of their dads doesn’t mean they lose our love.

We’ll keep working on it together. Probably imperfectly. Probably more than once.

And to the parent who has heard “I hate you” and thought, Well, that hurt more than I expected: you have company over here.

Has your child reached the “I hate you” stage? And if you have more than one, is the younger one taking notes? We’d love to hear how it’s going in your house.

For more honest parenting stories and the everyday moments behind our children’s books, explore Little Lessons Media.